my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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