That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
