Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
