Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
