it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
