All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
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Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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