I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
