ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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