Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.