i think my tv is drunk
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
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Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...