Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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