Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
