i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
