Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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