i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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