I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
