just tell him i said nine months
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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