you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
