Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
