so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
