OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
