cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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