Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
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We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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