I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm like, not good at living.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
