I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You are a genius and a whore.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
