you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
