Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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