Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
