and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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