how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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