That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
