I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
