Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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