My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
