I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
