Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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