cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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