i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
True strength comes from lack of pants
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
