I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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