The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
