Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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