I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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