I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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