And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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