Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
