I wish I only lived at night.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
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