ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
