This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
