shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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