I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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