I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
