She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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