I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
