Betty ford says i'm here all night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
