I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
